For too long, I dwindled in a bughouse
I crept around like a mouse
Frozen solid like a stone
Abandon inside and alone
And everyone thought I was less
That I made my life a mess
I had nothing to show for
So they ignored
I guess
Material wealth is worth more
They lacked the compassion to see
The depression and anxiety in me
I once gazed deeply into a murky puddle that I cried
Over Jekyll and Hyde
I saw half of my expression
I desperately tried to ignore the suggestion
Because it messed with my entire introspection
And, any attempts at my whole resurrection
I still tell myself it is out of the question
No way, am I addressing my reflection
I’d rather ignore the rage
Close this chapter
By turning the page
I’ve experienced so much of it
The thought of witnessing another fit
Makes me feel physically sick
I recall all the lies
I was robbed of my teenage highs
The rumors, I tried to digest
But they got suppressed somewhere deep in my chest
I was too young to fully comprehend
Shy, I didn't know how to blend in
It is funny how we blame ourselves
Over something we had no power for
As if, I opened Pandora’s door
Like, I brought my own self into existence
No! It wasn’t me!
I wasn’t the one who chose the path of least resistance
Someone else made that decision
And so my thoughts and feelings are inconsistent
Even in this poem, I sound distant
I keep having this dream
My life is an act on a balance beam
At an amusement park
I try to disembark
But I can’t get past the house of mirrors
I look
I see multiple half faces of terror
The clowns are all laughing
While I’m gasping
To feel something I never had
I shriek at those clowns
All I ever wanted was not to be sad
All I ever wanted was not to be mad
All I ever wanted was a dad
I make a vow
My emotions bow
To this pen
Lift me up again and again
The clowns start crying
The next thing I know I’m flying
All the misfit children are waving and smiling
Then unexpectedly, I realize that I’m inspiring
They become the purpose
For why I carry on writing
Inciting them not to ignore the past
To take care of the baggage that they have
So to live in the moment without anything to vent
To have a life altering event
To feel alive
So incredibly high
And to never
Never
Let life flash bye
Authored by Shellie Blevins
